Closed My Eyes to Hear the Mountains
Thoughts drifted slower, slowly
so I could hear the mountains
one hundred kilometers away.
Far and away
Farther than a whisper on the wind.
Hide behind them like a satellite.
A planet smaller than a voice.
A particle grander than infinity.
From this breath
and a million years before
Mountains far and away
Inside my sensitive heart.
A movement that waits
a weight that smiles
that risks all for love
and finds it in a mountain
waiting just below the surface
waiting, as a whisper,
to be heard.
LyndiaP November 14, 2010 (PoemADay Challenge 14 of 30)
The unresolved tension is what is striking about this piece. Using mountains as a symbol signifies a weighty, massive, and immovable force; love is definitely like that at times. But I am not sure if the mask metaphor is the right fit here. I can understand why you chose it, as relationships are often insecure and deceitful, but perhaps there could be another symbol out there. I just think with a little tweaking this poem could be better.
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ReplyDeleteThanks Alex - I appreciate what you've said and taken a look at it again, gave it some thought, made some changes. The mask is a pretty useful metaphor but one I use a lot. I'm going to try something also a bit different. I'd love to know what you think if you come by and read it again!
ReplyDelete(Many of these "PoemADays" were "one shots" and I haven't gone and done more than one round of editing.) In general though, like life and dreams, I think my poems are always evolving and anything that inspires them to change for the better is always welcome!