it's good to be OK

Today's Prompt from www.reverb10.com: Everything's OK.
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I have a fear of getting stuck. I must have experienced it enough from people in their 40s and 50s that say how they regret not doing things earlier in their lives; folks with those coveted "good jobs" who only care about the marginal bit of time they have not at said job; and my own soul-crushing experiences that this is a very real fear.

In late winter, maybe the end of February, I committed to "keeping my eyes open" for other opportunities in life. I didn't make a vow or pact or anything, just knew I had to have a change soon. By about April I stumbled across several interesting job postings, got some good tips and even applied for something! Nothing panned out.

Then through spring I was dejected and busy and forgot about a lot of it. Things were put on hold and then I re-started the hunt for an apartment. By July I had moved AND was about 80% sure I would be going on another fabulous travel adventure in early 2011. That felt like momentum, change. So the Beast of Change was placated. Temporarily.

This urge was a a sneaky & persistent one though. Even when I thought I was satisfied with my job for another 6 months and settles on my India destination by the end of summer I found myself, one day in September, reading an intreguing job description online. I knewI had to apply. So around 10:30 that morning I began writing a cover letter. I expressed my interest & enthusiasm and then proceeded to profess my, unbeknownst to me, passionate academic intrest in this very area. I stopped writing the letter. I kind of froze at the computer. "Yeah," I thought to myself, "I really DO want to study something like this."

I was dazed for a moment. I had been researching and looking-into and reflecting and (over)-analyzing this very thing for several years. I CTRL-Sed the letter and went back online to look at Masters degrees in this area. There was one school I thought had a good program and my friend had just completed a different program with high regard for the school.

I was whipped into a frenzy and began looking into details, costs, start dates and application requirements. I requested the prospectus and signed up as a prospective student. Then in a moment of uncommon spontaneity I began applying.

I was well into the second page before my brain caught up to what my body was doing and I reviewed my last check-box response and answer-in-the-box-provided. I noticed I responded in the affirmative to "are you applying to any other schools" and had the audacity/foresight to start listing the schools in places I always wanted to go without bothering to even see if the exact program was even available.

At this point I was concerned for my own sanity and seriously doubted by suitability for any/all future endevours. "Why was all if this happening in a whim?" "Do I even know what I am talking about?" and a plethora of other questions came to occupy my mind. So while my mind was busy with those the Beast of Change went ahead and searched the websites for the three schools I listed (with space for an "unknown" fourth). I turned up interesting results twice with exciting programs at each and one less inspiring but passable option at the third. It wasn't what I had in mind. I went back to my search engine of choice and tried looking up yet another option and was given an astounding "suggested" (i.e. Sponsored) search recommendation along with my intended result. "Of course! That's the fourth place I always wanted to go!!" I thanked the Go...gods of the Internet, clicked and by 2pm had fallen flat on my electronic-face on the Masters degree program in the location of my dreams! Can I get an amen? It was a miracle.

So while hovering between the decision to start applying at once (which it turns out I couldn't as applications wouldn't be open for another two months) and going back to finish my cover letter, it hit me: I won't get stuck! Everything's gonna be OK.

*note: since this time I have completed my application and await with as much optimism as possible my acceptance to this program and in anticipation have booked my trip to India (as I do not forsee a Masters student being in the financial situation to do so) and even "quit my good job" and given notice on my apartment for when the time comes.

The Beast of Change is in line at the buffet just waiting to be fed.